Saturday, September 10, 2016
Basket of Deplorables
I was cruising down the beltway and around the Potomac just the other day. The summer heat was waning, giving way to the pre-election pollution. Oh, is it that season again? The one where the real horrors come out after Halloween? I could feal the fear pheromones leeching from the sidewalks. A quick glance across the mall showed Lincoln hiding behind his immense castro convertible. The reflecting pool refused to reflect and Jefferson looked pale, even for a statue. The capital looked...well, Congress always looks that way. This is the only time the American people can have real feelings for their government. Well, other than fear, frustration, dread, exasperation, incineration. One year out of four we also feel empowered. Silly us.
I suddenly felt hungry for some reason. Enough circus. How about some bread?! I spotted a favorite grease geyser down one of the letter streets, Q or K or Z. It was just by Diplomat Alley. You can't miss that street. It's the one where the buildings are all covered in communications dishes. I bet you didn't know a quantum laser mind reader probe can be a diplomatic pouch now, did you?
I pulled into the parking lot under the huge, colorful revolving Bucket o' Bile and eased into the take out lane. The big board hawked the usual fare. Over priced. Under nourishing. But man, can they find ways to combine salt, fat, and mind control! Must be those laser probe thingeys.
I drove up to a kiosk that looked like a giant cardiac arrest in progress and waited.
"Welcome to Colonel Hillary's Arkansas Fried Opponents!" the left ventricle spouted. "Do you have a political affiliation?"
"Not currently, though I was leaning towards the Whigs. I've still got time to register."
"OK! Good to know you racist, sexist, homophobe! How may I pretend to serve you?"
"I'll have the Colonel's Deplorable Basket, please."
"Great! What size would you like? Fawning, condescending, or overbearing?"
"You don't have intimidating any more?"
"No, sir. Most people went directly to overbearing."
"Makes sense. I think I'll take condescending."
"Good choice. Do you want regular or...?"
"I'll take extra creepy, please."
"OK. Do you want any extras?"
"Hmm. Do you still have those fried thingeys? The ones that can overthrow foreign governments?"
"You mean the Libya Bombs? Those were taken over by the Kerry Cafe."
"OK. I'll just have an order of Wall Street slaw and baked Bills. Oh, and some Cover yer Biscuits with Crony Sauce."
"The sauce, is that FBI, CIA, or State Department?"
"What's the difference?"
"Honestly? Nothing. As they say, if it covers your crime, you serve no time."
"And no weight gain?"
"OK. Just glob on whatever hasn't been investigated recently."
"Got it! And would you like anything to drink?"
"Not really. It seems whenever I swallow anything from this town I spend a lot of time throwing up."
"I can't tell you how many times I've heard that."
"Or water. Do you have any non GMO water?"
"Only the fracking fluid."
"How would you like to pay? Student loan or debt servitude?"
"Oh, I'll pay cash."
"Cash... OK... Well, then... Just drive up to the window and when the light flashes blue drive up the ramp into the New World Order FEMA camp truck. Have a Hillary Day!"
I love this town.