Thursday, January 11, 2018


I’m reminded of a Simpson’s bit. Grampa and Jasper are working in Springfield Elementary School for some plot device. Jasper has got  his beard caught in a pencil sharpener. Grampa keeps saying, ‘Let’s see. How about if I try this?” and turns the crank. Each time Jasper’s beard gets pulled further into the sharpener. But he does it again anyway.

Whether it’s the various incarnations and rewrites of Russia-gate, endless sanctions on countries who have committed the sin against the Holy Spirit of denying America’s every whim, or the recent Stoner Crusade by Jess Sessions, when will we learn? They all backfire. They all have the net effect of doing exactly the opposite of what we so exquisitely execute them to do. Why not just borrow our enemy’s hand gun so we can shoot ourselves in the head?

Case in point? Starting a civil war in Ukraine and subsequent sanctions against Russia did not have the effect of driving a stupendously popular support for President Putin into the Dacha dump. Oddly, the Russian people rallied behind their rulers, who obliged by finding replacements for the French cheese, vegetables, and German technology they were denied. Suddenly, Russian made became chic.

One of the things sanctioned was insulin, which sounds like a war crime to me aimed at the weakest members of society. Why don’t we sanction hair plugs and Viagra? That’ll hit the ruling class hard. We have the moral high ground by withholding someone’s insulin? Really? So, what did they do? Russia built its own insulin manufacturing facility. They are a modern technological society, after all. They can do stuff like that. Farms, dairies, factories, plants, international deals, mutual defense pacts, prosperity. Education. Literacy. A rising middle class. Better relations with foreign countries that had not previously been allies. They’re like, real people. Oh, and Europe has suffered economic decline. Turns out that they need Russia more than Russia needs them. Nice one, Machiavelli.

And Mr. Just-say-no Sessions. States are making billions in revenue on the Marijuana trade. It’s like it’s a legitimate business or something. Instead of just moseying along ignoring Federal laws while, one by one, the states take the bong into their own hands, this might just force the issue in the halls of Congress. Thanks, Jeff. I was tired of paying cash.

And it doesn’t just come from American lack of insight. Israel, a usurping country in the Middle-east, still might have negotiated peace and co-existence with her neighbors. They’ve had almost 70 years. Now they have become a genocidal pariah cosplaying the holocaust but this time against Palestinians. The result? A national divide between ultra-hawks who are openly advocating torture and death for Palestinian children and honest Israelis who are horrified at what their country has become. And the Palestinians fight back with… a sixteen year old girl. Ahed Tamimi, who was filmed slapping two heavily armed Israeli soldiers who refused to leave their home. YouTube doesn’t forget. I don’t recognize the Israel I lived in during the 70’s. Nor am I proud of her. Torturing children is not good for your image.

What else would we like to promote? Communism? Socialism? Spaghetti Monster-ism? Rick-and-Morty-ism? No problem. Just find some blow-hard to come out against it. It will be the backbone of every new commune, kibbutz, chess club, cooperative, and soviet thrown together by idealistic commoners everywhere in no time.

Not only is negotiation and diplomacy the most powerful weapons in ours and every other arsenal, by far. It is the only one that can achieve our goals as well as the goals of our opponents without blowing up in either of our faces. Imagine that? And who could possibly object to that?

Talk to people. Listen. The feeling of actually accomplishing something might take you by surprise.

And Jeff. Don’t Bogart that Boomerang!

Friday, January 5, 2018

Watch Me Now!

This is weird. A while ago I picked up my tablet and caught a quick glimpse of a notification. Rate your visit to some place I had recently been to, it flashed. I deleted it before thinking, so I couldn't look at it more closely. But then I thought. I had not been there with my tablet. Just my phone. How did it know they were both mine? And who knew? And why was it taunting me? We know where you always are, Number 6. I am not a number... I shrugged and went about my sordid business.

And another time I picked up my voyure engine and was greeted by the cheery message, Rate your visit to Safeway! Instead of deleting it along with the other messages about Youtube videos, Donald Trump tweets, and Burma Shave, I clicked on it. It was from that arch nemesis of anonymous, Google! Don't be evil? How about don't be sticking your ponderous programming proboscis into my business?

And now the nightmare begins.

What? No, I don't want to rate my visit to Dapper Dan's Dildos and Dominatrices! Or Weird Waldo's World of Weed on the corner of Stoner and High. What do you mean you posted to my Facebook account that I was just at Pussy and Pandemonium's Petting Palace? It's a pet store... Really... The animal type... No, I'm not into that!

Now, wait. I haven't been to THAT place in a long time. You can't prove a thing! That picture was photoshopped to look like me!

Mata Hari's House of Heavenly-that one's misspelled. It begins with "Wh" not just "H". Doesn't anyone take any pride in their peep hole gawking? Geesh! If Peeping Google's gonna evesdrop on my Telescreen, at least use the dictionary app.

Talk about omnipresent. God's got nothing on Big Google. What, Google? No, I wasn't talking to you!

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Another from the Stuck Together Parody Company

Comrades, our handler, Vladimir, is giving to us secret way to be identifying each other without the giving away of our evil hacking. No-one will be suspecting, da? We can be continuing the bringing down of the capitalist pigs without getting ourselves into the water that is being hot.

No-one will be more of the wise guy. Is good, nyet?

Saturday, December 16, 2017

A Lot of People to Hate

Quite frequently you will see Facebook entries which are some picture accompanied by a pithy statement, usually derogatory towards some group or person. Sometimes the picture is a personality like Gene Wilder or Patrick Stewart in an exasperated expression. Sometimes it’s just a phrase in sound bite form. Usually these Facebook bumper stickers are non-sequiturs. I saw one the other day which was a condemnation of religion. I suppose this was a Jack Chick style irreligious tract. I was just going to pass by it with my usual, why do I bother? shrug, but I started thinking (a bad sign.) This one said that the dark ages were caused by the ascension of Christianity. This was just monumental in its ignorance. In one sound bite it managed to insult three groups: Christians, historians, and scientists. Truly impressive.

The dark ages weren’t quite as dark as the popular Peoplepedia would have us believe. There was the Holy (sic) Roman (sic) Empire (sic.) (Sic’s courtesy of Mark Twain, who said it was none of the above.) Charlemagne instituted some very important reforms during that time, such as crop rotation and the miniscule font, saving money on expensive parchment. Yes, he was interested in preserving and obtaining knowledge.

The remaining bastions of learning in the west were in places like Paris, Venice, and Edinburg and were founded as religious orders and maintained by the Church. And the eastern, Byzantine empire flourished for another thousand years under the Eastern Orthodox Church. Much of the ‘lost’ knowledge of Greece and Rome just migrated into the Middle East and was taken up by Muslim, Christian, and Jewish scholars. Eventually some of it found its way into Moorish Spain. After the Moors were driven out of Spain by El Cid and his mob, Spanish Jews were granted asylum by the Muslim caliph in Baghdad. So much for the misconception that ‘those people have always been fighting.’ Christian scholars flooded into Spain to raid the libraries, bringing the wonders of Aristotle and the rest into the depressed west. Catholicism, after all, had been richly inspired by Plato, a pagan, and sorely needed the upgrade.

It was another Christian, Saint Thomas Aquinas, who integrated Aristotelian philosophy into Catholicism, paving the way for our scientific forefathers like Roger Bacon and the Renaissance they pioneered. And this is a very small list, but still bigger than a bumper sticker. Just saying ‘Christians do/did this terrible thing’ is rather bigoted, wouldn’t you say?

So, still thinking, I realized that there are names for people who hate certain groups indiscriminately. Some are:

Misogynist – Women.
Misandronist – Men.
Sexist – Either sex for the other, ironically making the term itself very inclusive.
Anti-Semite – Jews. Also anyone criticizing the secular state of Israel. (Unless you’re Jewish. Then you are a self-hating Jew.)
Russophobic – Russians.
Homophobic – Gays.
Islamophobic – Muslims.
Trumpophobic – Trump supporters.
Paganphobia – Country dwellers.
Polisphobia – City dwellers.

I’m sure I’ve left numerous groups out and will be called a derogatory name for it.

So what about all religious people in general? Would that be Religiophobic? That’s a lot of people to hate.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

The Stuck Together Parody Company

From the Amalgatoasted, er, Conglomerblasted, um, Stuck Together Parody Company.

This parody brought to you by Unsubstantiated News. Unsubstantiated News, bringing you complete drivel since Adam framed Eve.

President Hotwire sits down and fires up his favorite news station, Brer Fox News. His favorite news commentator is on…

This is Guy Smiley bringing you the news you need to swallow uncritically. In economic news, Illegal immigrants, Donald Duck, José Carioca, and Panchito Pistoles, escaped Mexico and illegally entered the American Pavilion! They immediately seized all cast member jobs and switched the wholesome healthy, Fructose Shakes and Spam Burgers in the now called ‘canteen’ to tequila and tacos. Some of them have something called ‘fish’ in them!

And it is rumored, so you can bet your vanishing paycheck on it, that unrepentant Bolshevik and baby eater ‘President’ Vladimir Pushpin has invaded the Ukraine pavilion and is installing hacking devices which he can use to control the American Experience True and Accurate Accounting of American History show. And any reports that there is no Ukraine pavilion are fake news. We should know!

Great Britain has started dismantling the bridge between it and France while trying to purge half of the Irish merchandise from its gift shop. Just watch it, Scotland. They are also trying to figure out how they will be able to tolerate Norway, Italy, and Germany.

Canada remains boring.

The rest are pretty much third world countries that we don’t know anything about or really care about because, well, America!

In financial news stockades and bondages are going up! Shares of the Dismay Company are hot items. All major accounts from retirement funds, the Social Security ‘trust’ funds, and three little piggy banks have been embezzled into its stocks. Remember, where there’s Dismay you have no say!

The rest of the world is plotting against us, as usual.
Good night and stay terrified.

What’s that? My producer has informed me that Brer Fox News was NOT part of a recent sale to the Dismay Company.You never heard any of this.