Happy Easter, all. And I can include both Roman Catholic, Lutheran, the Church of England and all the other diverse and sundry Christian denominations in the western world that keep popping up like mushrooms, along with the Orthodox church which, arguably, is the first church. Oh, and don’t forget Coptic. That one is pretty old, too. Nobody talks about Nestorians anymore, do they? Or Cathars? Mormons? And I don’t know where to place Kentucky Snake Handlers?
Sounds quite the mess, doesn’t it? Yes. Yes, it does. Praise the Lord and pass the serpent.
Some would like to ditch the whole mess altogether and just create a Lennon-Esque (John, not Vladimir,) world where there are no countries, no religion. Nothing to kill or die for, no heaven or hell, etc. Imagine that?
Though it’s safe to say that two major experiments in Institutionalized Atheism in the 20’th century make that claim naïve.
Sorry John. Sorry Vladimir.
It seems that religions, like it or not, put the breaks on some of our tendencies and pour gasoline on others, but it’s not always clear which ones get which treatment? It reminds me of an old joke by Bill Cosby. He said some people tried to get him to use cocaine. “Come on!” they’d say. “It just makes you more of who you are.” Bill replied, “But what if what you are is an asshole?”
And you can’t blame God or cocaine for that. If there was no God, we’d invent him. If there is a God, we’d misrepresent him.
The origins of Christianity have a twist to them. Never mind the Bible stories, miracles, wrath of God stuff, the platitudes. It had all been said before. This time it was different.
The Roman world that Christianity burst upon after the alleged event we are overeating on today, was a very contradictory place.
Philosophers and Stoics argued about which this or that morality system was best. Places like Alexandria were a Mecca of religions, pun intended. They seemed to invent new ones like we build new Starbucks.
Some new prophet or holy man would breeze into town, say something stupid like, “God answers prayers but only the ones you don’t ask for!” Everybody would “OOOH” and “AAAH” and think he had said something inspired. I wonder what they would have thought about Imagine? Or the Communist Manifesto?
And next month he’d be gone and everybody would be chasing after the next fad.
Imagine that?
Religion building was like Influencing today. “Have you heard about Mithras? Osirus? Zoroastrianism? Antidisestablishmentarianism?”
If you could hang on for longer than your 15 minutes of religious fame you just might have something there. You could rent some space in the local Suk, get a barista, hire some workers, have them walk around with signs hanging on them saying, “Ask me about Hercules!” And wait for the penitents to flood in.
There was a cottage industry in manufacturing things that would make your religion more appealing than the one saying pretty much exactly what you were saying across the street. One of the best known religioneers was a fellow named Heron.
Heron lived in Alexandria and he was a tinkerer. He was very clever with pulleys and pipes and gadgets that would do catchy things. He used heat and pressure to make temple doors open and close. He did this with an altar at the front of the congregation. Behind it were two impressive doors covered in gold if you could afford it. Painted with pretty pictures otherwise.
After sufficient butts were in sufficient pews a priest would enter the house of worship. He or she, depending on the deity, would walk up to the altar and light a fire on it. They would then step back like a magician’s assistant drawing your attention to the right place.
Shortly, the doors would shake a little. Tremble. Start to move. And then open themselves to the gasping masses. Within, there would be a statue of the god or goddess that was the object of your utmost adoration.
The fire cools, the doors start to pull in together, and then close, returning the god-presence to eternity. The crowds go wild.
It worked like this. The fire heated air, which was driven through a pipe. The pipe went into a tank filled with water, which would be pushed out of a second pipe and into a second tank. The second tank was hung by a rope that went to a pulley system attached to the doors. As the tank filled with water its weight would pull the doors open, revealing the god to the worshipers. When the fire went out the air cooled, contracted, the water was sucked out of the suspended tank back into the holding tank. The tank went back up and the doors closed.
Another gadget Heron invented was the first coin operated Holy water dispenser. This one is simple. You have a brass urn in a prominent place in your temple. The urn has a slot on top of it. The suck-um, worshiper comes in with a coin and an empty bottle. She drops in the coin, the coin falls onto a balanced paddle, and the paddle pivots down. This opens a valve in a tank which lets some water flow through the spout and she collects her blessing water in the bottle. At the bottom of the paddle’s swing the coin falls off, the paddle goes up, the water stops, and she leaves the temple a better person and you stay behind a richer one.
Heron was a genius. Or a charlatan.
This was how religions would compete with each other for attendees. Bigger congregation, fuller collection plates. It’s the best business plan there is.
Roman society was structured in a peculiar way. It was a rich society, an empire. It had vast holdings, big cities, and great power. All roads led to Rome. It had a class system, as well.
Three classes, to be precise. First class were Roman citizens. They were the top dogs. A Roman citizen could own property, run a business, be respected, and was protected by the law. Roman law. And he was a man.
Second class were women. Women were defined as women, boys, and girls. You really didn’t have much privilege, unless you were born into a wealthy or ruling family, of course. Then, you had what the men allowed you to have.
Third class were slaves. Slaves could be men, women, children, conscripts, captured soldiers and citizens of conquered states, or anybody who was convicted of an egregious crime. And you had nothing. Although in principle you could buy your freedom…, if you happened to be an accountant or manager of a citizen’s business or the tutor to his children and he allowed you to buy yourself. Then, maybe.
Nobody cared about women or slaves. The state didn’t care about them. Society at large didn’t care about them. The religions didn’t care about them. The philosophers didn’t care about them.
The new ‘Religion of the Holy Gadget of St. Heron’ didn’t care about them, either. Unless you had money to spend. And you were rich. Then, sure.
Into this world an extraordinary voice spoke.
“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28.
“Huh?” the Roman world said.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.” Matthew 5:38-40.
“Saywhat?” they sputtered?
“(The first commandment is:)‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31
“Who is this guy?” now they knew the voice was crazy.
This one was a new religion, unlike the coin-operated, showman driven ones they knew and loved. It had entered a cruel, wicked, godless world with too many gods but no compassion. It said there are no distinctions. Men and women? Slave and free? It said to give and not to fight back? It appealed to the weak? The downtrodden? To slaves?
Those were the people it actually WANTED!?
“It won’t last a week,” they said. “Let alone 2000 years,”
Happy Easter.
