The Asshole at the End of Every Sentence

When I write I try to use proper diction, punctuation, and grammar. It’s only manners. Proper. Manners. So I was proofreadingly offended by re-reading some dazzlingly insightful post I was about to upload to the dizzyingly all consuming World-Mind when I noticed something.

There were lots of farts in my poetry!

Really. What? No. I mean. At the end of every sentence is a period. A little dot at the bottom of the last letter in the sentence. Look it up. So. This little ‘dot’ thing is there. At the end. Of every. Sentence. DOT!

Well, what does that mean? What DOT do I need to place at the end of each and every one of my sanctimonious thoughts? I ask, begrudgingly. Why not just put THOT! or THUS! It says the same thing. Or not. THOT would be redundant. THUS doubly so. So what possible explicative would be appropriate at the end of each and every thought ever recorded? Sadly. It’s a fart.

Yes, a fart. A fart joke. A fart bag. Whoopie cushion.  Every sentence is inviting you to “pull my finger.” A fart wrapped in a twinkie sucked into a cheese fry. That is what every period at the end of every sentence ever written resoundingly attests! The previous words were produced by farts{pffts} That’s my new replacement for the period{pffts} This little fella here: {pffts} It’s actually a very useful heuristic{pffts} It conveys a lot of information in a puff of gas, like every word ever spoken{pffts}

Imagine, every time you say something profound and unreachable to the depths of mortal man, someone walks behind you and farts{pffts} Kinda takes the smelly wind outa your sails, wouldn’t you say? Punctuate every presidential speech ever delivered to the delusional masses with farts{pffts} Just as you are about to buy that condo or order that on-line bride, imagine a particularly loud and juicy fart in the background{pffts} Think of it as your own personal slave following you around whispering “This stinks” into your ear all the time{pffts} Imagine the possibilities{pffts}

Ask not what your country can do for you{pffts} Ask what you can do for your country{pffts}

That’s one small step for {pffts}man{pffts} And a giant leap for Mankind{pffts}

Give me Liberty{pffts} Or give me death{pffts}

Veni{pffts} Vidi{pffts}Vici{pffts}

You are either with us{pffts} Or you are with the terrorists{pffts}

The possibilities are endless{pffts}

Now, if only more people realized that most of what they say and hear are just farts in the wind{pffts}