Since the beginning of the Russian Special Military Operation in Ukraine labeled ‘Z’, there has been a movement in the west to do the only thing it is capable of doing when it meets something it doesn’t like, can’t understand, and has no control over. Cancel it! In some cases, it has been eliminated entirely.
Germany has actually ‘banned’ the symbol Z. That will make Sesame Street a little easier. Or a bunch of vocabulary criminals! (Apparently the dictionariestas in Germany have not completely switched to the more Woke Correct term: ‘Cancel,’ not ‘Ban.’)
Now it’s supposed to be Elensky instead of Zelensky. Urich instead of Zurich. Samsung’s Z-Phones will now be known in Germany as just -Phones.
This is all pretty awkward. Is there any Politically Correct, Woke agency out there that can tell us what to do and how to think? Of course there is and of course it does. And it’s name is the Universal Cancelling Agency National ‘Technocratique (UCAN’T) and it has instituted a new replacement for the cursed Z: The Anti-Z. And it has a name.
From now on and forever, until the Next New Thing, every occurrence of the letter Z must be changed to Not-Z (ˈnɑːtsi).
The president of Ukraine is Volodymyr Not-Zelensky. Samsung now sells Not-Z-Phones and from now on you can only clean your floors with a Not-Z-umba. The sun will rise every day to its Not-Zenith and the ancient Hindu inventor of numerical nothing will need to use the Not-Z-ero in his calculations in his next incarnation. It shouldn’t be too difficult since they already use the bent cross symbol in their cultural iconography, which shall now be universally used for the numeral, Not-Z-ero.
The famed warrior, Link, will fight dragons and evil demon kings in the adventure game, The Legend of Not-Z-elda. Don Diego de la Vega will ever hereafter fight crime and smash Russians as his alter ego, Not-Z-oro. He already wears a mask, so he’s used to hiding behind civilians.
ZZ Top is now Not-ZNot-Z Top and Zaphod Beeblebox will now be called Not-Z-aphod Beeblebrox. The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster is OK… For now. We will all be scared of a giant, authoritarian, stone head dropping out of the sky called, Not-Z-ardoz!
Zirconium, Zinc, and Xenon will now be known as Not-Zirconium, Not-Zinc, and Not-Zenon on the Periodic Table of the Elements. I know that ‘Xenon’ starts with an ‘X’ but it sounds Z-ish and that’s all it takes to get cancelled these days. You’re next, Xanadu.
The Spirit of the Time will be celebrated as a Not-Z-eitgeist. Apparently, all of Bandara’s Youth are doing it. In order to be truly Zen you must be Not-Z-en and we will remember the flaming crash of the Hindenburg as the Not-Z-eppelin. That one at least has some truth to it.
We will lose at Not-Z-ero sum games and remember fondly the music of Frank Not-Z-appa. Not-Zeno will forever half strive to get to wherever he is half going. Nowhere, if he is one of the Not-Z's.
We will compress files with the Not-Z-ip utility and embarrassingly forget to Not-Z-ip our Not-Z-ipper in public. After dinner, we will put our leftovers into Not-Z-iplock bags, after which we will write a note to our pen pals and won’t forget to add the Not-Z-ip code!
We will declare authoritatively, “Thus spake Not-Z-arathustra.,” and fear the coming Not-Z-ombie apocalypse. On weekends we will bring our children to the Not-Z-oo.
And we will celebrate all of our towering virtues loudly on our chattering Meta accounts, curtesy of Minister of GoodSpeak, Mark Not-Z-uckerburg.
If Ukraine gets its way, soon the whole world will be overrun by Not-Z’s!
