(To scenes of mighty ships, the Liberty Bell tolling freely, and a soundtrack of Morse code on a teletype machine over a patriotic march.)
BREAKING NEWS
TERRORIST RING TRAPPED IN TURMOIL: COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - Danish Eating Police from the Denmark International Terrorism and Warfare Investigative Terminus have confiscated what Professional Influencers in the EU Ministry of Truth Generation Department believe to be the ‘Boom-boom Boat’ that was used by saboteurs on January 6 to bomb the Pipelines of Democracy which flow from the only capital that counts, Washington, DC.
Officials at NITWIT have affirmed that the boat impounded, the Royal Danish Scupper and Rubber Duckie class spy boat, The Minnow, was seized at the pleasure shipyard, the Euro Trashlandia, on Bathtubburg Platz, in the province of Pumpwater, Warlordsdam Region, Denmark.
Captain Jonas Grumby, simply known by his codename, ‘The Skipper,’ and first mate ‘Gunboat’ Gilligan, have not yet been located, though unverified claims state that members of their exclusive Seal Team Fritz special ops group, ‘Girl Next Door’ Mary Ann Summers, ‘Femme Fatale,’ Ginger Grant, and Kingpin, ‘The Professor,’ Roy Hinkley, thought to be the master mind of the operation, are still at large. Suspects bearing their descriptions have been spotted hanging around dark alleys and docks carrying signs that say, ‘Will Terrorize/Launder Money for Food,’ and ‘Hey, Buddy. Can you space a crime? (A passport would be nice, too.)’
Suspect financial money launderers and third world meddlers known only as Thurston ‘Thirsty’ Howell and his wife, ‘Lovey,’ are still at large. They are known to travel with an exceedingly large number of suitcases and are the inventors of the Walk-In Traveling Companion, The Black Hole of Luggage, ‘Blacky’ and are available at their Internet Boutique and Crack House, WhereTheHowelsAre.evl.
CONTRABAND CAPTURED ON BOARD BOAT! These include the passport of Osama bin Laden, exp. 30-02-2033, a picture of a creepy guy with paint on his face and a horned helmet on his head, four empty Pop Rocks packages with the remains of one spilled on the deck, a book titled, “How to Hold Your Breath Real-ly Long,” published by, “The Hairy Terrorist’s Garden of the Perverse, Alinsky Division,” and a caricature of two grinning Bolsheviks reaching over the Baltic sea while dangling Napoleonic era cast iron bombs, complete with sizzling fuses curling in air (water?) and sparkling angrily over garish pipes going from Russia to Germany. The bombs have little, angry faces, stick fists shaking, and eyes glaring at the pipelines.
In the background, Uncle Sam, Sieg Hail Schulz, and Not-De Gaulle Macron are high fiving each other, poking each other in the eyes, and hitting each other over the heads with shovels while carrying huge sheets of glass across busy intersections. Meanwhile, Volodymyr Zelensky, at a piano wearing an organ grinder monkey’s vest, a fez, and nothing else, frantically tries to free himself from the key lid that is clamped shut on his Symbol of Presidential Power and the most important member of his cabinet while bags of money and ingots of gold pour out of the bulging soundbox and onto the tightly shut jaws of the piano lid, keeping an arresting hold on Zelensky’s puny pickle. A tiny Vladimir Putin is standing on a tower of a badly drawn Kremlin, or maybe it’s supposed to be St. Basil’s Cathedral? He grabs his temples and stamps his feet in consternation, and looks a little like a goblin in a fairy tale. They all do, actually.
In similar goblin fashion, western experts are united in condemning Beijing as the inescapable instigator and culprit, for orchestrating an intervention, escalation, and berserker’s obsession on the part of the CCP by pledging complete and unending support for the Russian Obliteration. Russian Ambassador to China, Boris Badinoff, said ‘Nyet!’ to requests for comment while quickly hiding a cast iron bomb in a diplomatic blackhole pouch.
“This is obviously a declaration of war,” said US Congressrash Rich Endless Budget, obviously oblivious to what the words, ‘obvious,’ ‘declaration,’ and ‘war’ mean. And probably what the word, ‘oblivious’ means, as well. Congress responded by singing a chorus of, ‘God Save the Defense Budget!’ and, ‘When the Swamp Goes Sloshing In.’ President Biden declared, “This will be a date that will live in Infamy, Man,” with a follow up of, “And… You know… we have to fight against… the thing,” and promptly fell silent, presumably contemplating his next Ninja move against his arch nemesis, Corn Poop, er, Pop. He was then ushered into the sunroom and intensive care unit in the West Wing by a nurse with nice smelling hair and surrounded by grandchildren and other young hustlers he doesn’t recognize, each asking for a sweetheart money laundering deal with some third world country.
Russian Foreign Affairs Minister, Certain Laughoff, just shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, and said, “Well, that’s it, I’m done. Even Kafka is out-gaslighted.” Maria Zakharova was heard to mutter, “In the face of non-agreement capability even the gods are helpless.”
Boris Johnson was quoted as saying, “This makes Guy Fawkes look like James Bond.”
