The Mask and the Idiot

I’ve been using a makeshift mask from a bandanna folded up and held onto my head with some twist ties that came with a power tool I bought recently. It’s infinitely adjustable and makes me look like a hillbilly bank robber. I decided to get some official masks, in case I want to go someplace that was respectably infected.

Since I had been voted, ‘Most likely to be required to wear a mask,’ in high school, I decided maybe I should get a better quality one. I ran out of paper painters’ masks, which only really caused me to fog up my glasses and take the mask off anyway, so I went to the Great Oracle Google at Delphi.

Entering ‘Masks’ brought up some great ones of Thanos, The Skull, and Hulk. How come the girl superheros don’t have funny faces? Thanos would be an improvement and possibly fulfill my high school prophecy, but I didn’t see any with an N95 rating. So I tried things like, ‘Surgical Masks,’ ‘Covid Masks,’ and ‘Medical Masks.’ This time I found something more interesting. There were plenty to choose from.

I was looking for something reusable and washable. I was being optimistic that I would live that long, I guess. So I entered, ‘Reusable Surgical Masks.’ Again, I got a lot of returns, some even what I had actually asked for. One said, ‘Best Cloth Face Masks Still Available Online for...’

For…? For what? For free? For rent? For love or money? For the Discriminating Infectee? Sounds too dicey. Let’s try, ‘Washable Masks,’ for One Thousand, Alex.

After scrolling through a bunch of ads for Amazon masquerading as search results, I found, ‘Best Washable Reusable Face Masks Reviews 2020 – Red Hot...’ OK. I’ll worry about 'Red Hot what?' later.

Scrolling down through the entries, which were hardly reviews, I found some interesting ones. But since the web site didn’t specify what their criteria was for ‘Best,’ I went somewhere else. ‘Somewhere else’ being another search query at the Google well.

This time I found the site, ‘Top 10 best reusable face masks medical review.’ Oh, a top ten list, as in David Letterman! That’s gotta be scientific. I scrolled through and found a number of masks, many modeled by pretty Asian women. Is that racist? Accurate? Irrelevant? Each of them had a concise description and click box that said, ‘Check Price & Detail... amazon,’ and the Amazon logo.

I clicked on the link and was brought to a page that said, ‘SORRY we couldn’t find that page. Try searching or go to Amazon’s home page.’ Below it was a picture of a bored black dog, presumably the anthropomorphic representation of Amazon’s search engine. When it is bored, at least.

And anyway, none of these masks looked any better than my Billy the Kid mask, though they were more stylish. On Billy, at lease. I couldn't be sure any of these would look any good on me.

Also, when I did find some, always on Amazon, that looked reasonable, the reviews were all over the infection rate chart. None had a high overall rating. One of the comments said their order had come with white finger prints over all of the masks. One said his mask was dirty, including smeared with lipstick, so it was obviously used. Some had been stuffed in a zip lock bag. Obviously, these were outliers. I hope so, at least. But this is a medical item, after all. That kind of stuff is OK if you are buying it for someone else.

I eventually did a search for ‘Medical supplies,’ and found some non-gimmicky places. The top one was for ‘Binson’s Home Health Care Centers.’ OK. I’ll give this son of a bin a shot. I was concerned that it might not be wholesale, but it was worth a click.

They were legit and even had a medical mask right on top of the page. It looked good, made in America. It would block dust, particles, smoke, etc. Not an N95, of course, but I’m not looking for an Aqualung. None of them can legally say, ‘blocks viruses.’ Not for nine dollars for three masks which might arrive in a sandwich bag smeared with bio-matter at least as questionable as the virus. This one was the only one that was treated with an antimicrobial and guaranteed to last one year, while still being reusable and washable. It didn’t come with the Rolling Stones logo on it, though. So, naturally, I took my Googling elsewhere.

I didn’t find anything else I liked, so I came back to the Binky site. Overall the mask looked good, after all. It was one of the cup shaped ones, with a prominent pleat to accommodate my generous nose. It was adjustable, one size fits most, androgynous, and biologically correct. And wash and wearable, of course. It was more expensive than the Dr. Nick brand masks, but I expected as much.

If anyone is looking for a good mask that is from a medical supply store, check out www.binsons.com. I’m not recommending it, of course. It's just a suggestion.

It’s gotta be better than a head scarf.