I’ve been looking at crypto currency lately. Yes, I know. It’s the thing of the future. Digital money. Credits and what not. Star Trek Socialism Bucks. I’ve heard everything about it from, ‘It’s the next gold,’ to ‘Wave of the future,’ to ‘It’s a Ponzi scheme!’ Of course it’s a Ponzi scheme. Every economy is, ultimately, a Ponzi scheme. The only question is on which side of it you are: The Ponz side or the zi side? Every economy has ended in ruin. Just give this one time.
I’ve heard that Elon Musk is buying it, and also that he is selling it-not that I listen to someone who thinks he’s Tony Stark. I’ve also heard that China is thinking of banning it. And that they are about to release their own digital Yuan, thereby nationalizing it. Con se com sa.
Economists are a laugh, as per tradition. A self-adoring laugh. They routinely pontificate on the economy while auto-administering proctoscopy exams using their own heads as probes. Dismal science, indeed. Defecating dismal science.
I downloaded the Coinbase app a month ago and set up an account. I had to go through hoops, upload copies of my ID cards, verify a payment method, etc. blah, blah. In the meantime Elon Stark is rumored to be selling Bitcoin, thus depressing the price, China has banned Bitcoin mining, whatever that is, thus dooming their own economy, the economist-proctologists say, and gold has gone up to near $2,000.00 an oz. Several economist heads have shifted rectally. And Charles Schwab is head-swabbing his own colon. Blah, blah…, gloop?
There has to be a way to cash in on this cash grab. C’mon. A fool and his money, after all. This is nothing new. Just new lamps for old. I’m sure they were selling clay tile futures in the market square of Babylonia in the shadow of the Ziggurat.
They say all new technology is immediately used for pornography. Starting with Neolithic Venus statues littered around Europe to frolicking frescoes of satyrs and nymphs on bedroom walls in Pompei to Mr. Daguerre’s Dirty Daguerreotypes to the first phone sex between Belle and Watson. “Come here, Watson. I need you?” Seriously? I’d say it was Platonic, but you know what Plato was into, right?
Sex has a history. A full 69% of the Internet is devoted to it. There’s a shoe shine tip for Mr. Rockefeller. Bet long. Go short. Count on the load in between. And wear protection. Why do you think they call it Wall (Diaphragm) Street? There are no splits but plenty of spread eagles. And always bet on the basest of humans instincts. Sex sells.
Maybe I should market a new sexo-currency. Something from the here and now and whatever is to cum. The Crypto-Epsteinbuck! The obverse can be a picture of Bill Clinton waving a cigar around over a map of Little Saint James Island, how appropriate. The reverse can show the Lolita Express zooming in for a penetration of one of the gaping runways. Choose one token of exchange, they are all the same. Fools will buy what bigger fools will sell. Now we’re talking.
While we’re talking. Let’s talk about crypto money mining, or whatever. They say that crypto currency, money, fiat, whatever, does not exist until somebody ‘mines’ it. Just like gold! That makes it sound legitimate-ey. If I have to dig it out of the ground, it’s shiny, and it’s scarce, people will think it is worth something. Now here’s my shit! It’s worth something, too!
I have to ‘mine’ crypto so I then ‘have’ money which I can then ‘spend’ on ‘things’ as collateral. Or save or invest or whatever. As long as I can ‘find’ a sucker/partner who accepts that this ‘shit’ means anything. I’m sorry. ‘Means’ anything. Lovely. Well, it’s no different than shells or wampum. Giant blocks of limestone or disks of copper. Imaginary Monopoly money has been around for forever. It has been useful as a tool of accounting for forever. As it has been prone to inflation and abuse for forever. As has been con artistry and Tom foolery. For forever.
In ancient Babylonia there was the concept of a year of jubilee. It was the trendy economic theory of Babylonian economists with their heads up their Bronze Age butts in the second millennia BC and it went like this. Every seventy years or so all debts were cancelled. All obligations negated. Everything was reset. A Great Reset, as it were. Claus Schwab eat your fascist heart out, or whichever of your organs your mouth is currently close to. Someone beat you to it.
There you go. All economic problems solved. All economists unemployed. Two birds. One stone. No more home owner debts. No more business debts. Forget that college loan and cancel that credit card. It was either that or inflate the fucker out of existence. Oh, and as for the fine print, er, the fine cuneiform. Any money somebody might owe to you; a bank account, retirement fund, a jar of pennies in the closet, blah, blah, blah; also gets wiped out along with the rest. Thank you for banking Babylonian Bank and Trust Company. Have a steak knife!
This was an economic holocaust. In capitalism depressions, recessions, downturns, panics, great resets, and all of the other economic wrenches that get tossed into the money gears sort of happen on their own just about every 40 years or so. With the Babylonian school of economics these were engineered into the system. Socialist style state planning is a lot older than we think. Five year plans? Pshaw! We’ve got you beat by a factor of fourteen!
Of course, it also meant it got harder and harder to borrow money the closer to a Depression/Jubilee Year/Great Reset you got, but never bet against the bank.
That’s where the real money is. Faking people into believing that there is something here and then scarfing them of all they are worth for as long as it is worth anything. After which. RESET! JUBILEE! Not to worry! Another generation of suckers is on the way!
Speaking of the Great Reset. And Crypto-Bucks. I decided to buy a gram. Or a shell. Or a Bongo Buck. Bitcoin has been going down drastically lately. From a high of $69,000.00 about ten days ago it is currently selling for $58,199.58 which means it has dropped by over 15% from an all time high. Time to buy, Mr. Warbucks. I slapped down a fifty Paypal bill and was sold $48.01 worth of Bitcoin with a Coinbase transaction fee of $1.99 for the astounding amount of 0.00082492 of a bitcoin. I’m a ten-thousandth-aire!
Meh, I would have just blown that half a C-note on trash, anyway. Now I’ve got something virtual to sneeze at. A-Cho! Oops. It’s gone.
So, back to my life’s obsession of unburdening the gullible of their undeserved wealth. What next? Let’s see… Crypto currency mining sounds like something the Wizard of Oz would come up with. Come one! Come all! See the Great Crypto! The economic miracle of the ages. First invented by the ancient Egyptians who used it to build an empire. Borrowed from the Babylonians who first learned of it from the emperors of Cathay in the far Orient. It’s the Wonderous Wurlitzer! Master of Money, Killer of Kingdoms and Elevator of Empires! Void where prohibited.
Why not? I remember when you could download a program, we didn’t call them ‘apps’ back then, which would use the spare cycles on your home computer to crunch through pictures from SETI. I guess the search for extraterrestrial life is awfully computer intensive so they devised a way for enthusiasts to volunteer their otherwise wasted computer time to inspecting radio wave maps of the cosmos searching for signals that could be generated by living planets. (Today that extra processing time is commandeered by Google Hive.)
Shit. My bitcoin account has just gone down by nine cents. I’M RUINED! It’s the suspenders and pickle barrel for me. Once I built a railroad… I made it run… made it race against time…
There must be a Disney Bros Studio in the detritus. There must be a way to make this railroad run again. Fortunes are made when the going it good but empires are made on the ruins of those who go bust.
Crypto-Mine-Ography! With every crypto coin you mine you get a jolt of high voltage neurotransmitter down the genitals of your choice. I mean, come on. That’s what human civilizations is all about, right? Jolts of neurotransmitters down the right brain-chutes?
Nah, that’s not right. Good concept but bad marketing.
Crypto-Mining is a good scam. But what to do with it? I’ve got it. And I call it Mine-Crypto-Pornography! MCP for short because that makes it sound legitimate or important or something. With your shares of MCP at $96,000.00 a share, more if your name is Elon, you can generate obscure mathematical strings of digits that don’t mean anything to anybody. But that can be reduced to an original sequence that resembles a tulip bulb in a JPG format. I’m sorry, Non Fungible Token, which is shorthand for, ‘Give me your money!’ Seriously. I could take a selfie of my gouty big toe, reduce it to a digitized, crypto-circumcised, commoditized string of digits and some fool would buy it. You, my friend, might just be that fool. If you play your cards right…into my hands.
So, with the new Non Fuckable Tokens, you too can own ‘art’ that is indistinguishable from any other garbage on this planet of landfill, but it’s unique! And it’s non-fungible! Try as you may, you cannot ever funge this string of digits! Cash only. All sales are final and non-fungible.
As God is my witness my tooth print will be on every coin I bit.
Brother, can you spare a dime?
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