The Eight Stages of Russo-Punditry

 

Step 1. Some geopolitical/economic incident happens in the world concerning Russia.

Step 2. President Putin responds diplomatically and measured and only occasionally with force.

Step 3. His critics insist that this only proves that he is: a. Ineffective. b. A tool of Israel, Washington, Brussels, etc. c. Incompetent. d. All dance, no Cossack. e. A Yeltsin grade traitor.

Step 4. Russia bides her time, inflicts the death of a thousand cuts on her enemies, builds her armed forces, strengthens her economy, deepens her diplomatic roots, and shores up her foundations at home and abroad.

Step 5: Release the Lavrov.

Step 6. Western analysts grouse about Mackinder and Brzezinski and pontificate about the ‘Rules Breaking Order.’ Oh, and invokes the Harry Potter charm, ‘Expecto Democracy!’ Eventually it concedes.

Step 7. The western world goes down a notch on all scales.

Step 8. Some geopolitical/economic incident happens in the world concerning Russia…

 

God, Country and the Deep State

To the Sounds of Morse Code and Air Sirens…

War News from Breaking Wind Dispatches and Mutual of Oligarchy.

Hype Hardened political appointees and CNN War correspondents have outlined their 9/9 analysis* of the proposed deployment of 5,000 US troops to Ukraine to counter Russian aggression against that war-torn, democratic puppet state. 

* 9 out of 9 Poli-Sci graduates say so. 

Here are their findings and expected timeline of operations.

Day 1. American First Braggart Division, 5000 elite soldier-person strong, arrives in perpetually dark, Eastern front city of Vulgaria, Some Shit-Hole country or other. Local natives in embroidered shirts and kokoshniks dance and throw cabbage leaves before them while singing incomprehensible gibberish. The marines hand out ‘Nuland’s Own Victory Cookies’ and ‘My Two Mommies’ coloring books for the young genital-persons.

Day 2. Stunning American Gain-of-Function Army Engineers set up a barracks of rainbow tents, unisex showers, raised dance floors, and Disco balls for ‘drills.’ They hold sensitivity training on the proper use of pronouns.

Day 3. Fighting breaks out! Our brave soldiers foray to the front singing, “Hold our lite beers, Adoring Primitives!”

Day 4. C&C Centers go silent. Fuel depots and supply stores are obliterated. Satellites, military communication, GPS, and everyone’s Meta account is lame. The local 7/11 runs out of year-old hotdogs. All weapons, tanks, ships, and planes are abstract art.

Days 5, 6, and 7. Nine meals pass without being served or eaten. Even the prostitutes have deserted.

Day 8. Russian humanitarian aid appears with offers to stay at the exclusive, breath-fogging resort on the Bering Sea, Chez Ivan. Rations will be supplied in exchange for the few remaining, still-functioning weapons.

Day 9. NATO declares victory.