For Immediate Release

 

Dateline, Washington. Monthuary the Anyteenth, 2022 or whenever. US Department of Disinformation SpokesMammal, Rock E. Bullwinkle, issued the following DoD Disinfogram entitled: ‘This Time For Sure.’

Analysts at the Ex-Nihilo Department of Narrative Correction Bureau have determined with no thought whatsoever, a high degree of imbecility, and zero chance of not portending what it pretends not to portend, that the Russian Empire is currently-like, right now-invading, bombing, and lecturing sternly the poor, democratic and not at all coerced citizens of the Ukraine. Ukraine being the world’s primary source of the toxic mineral, Ukrainium, which is known for inducing western occupiers to occupy any country it occupies. Other sources are found in Libya, Palestine, Afghanistan, Iraq, Eastern Europe, Western Europe, Southeast Asia, all of South America, and most of Africa.

Paid random witnesses with remarkably steady cell phone cameras, Slavic sounding accents, and good English are describing it in detail. We have one here right now on our Internet feed which is, improbably, functioning perfectly in a war zone and in 5G, 4K, and 3D:

“I can see Vladimir Putin advancing now,” says our anonymous idiot on the ground. “He is riding on top of a tank which is propelled by fusion power. Or maybe it’s cold nuclear fusion. It’s hard to tell on this take. Behind I can see one, two…, no, four horsemen carrying swords. One might have a scythe. What?” Here, the voices are muffled. Please standby. <garble-garble> “I said that. Scythe. Yes, that’s what I said. It’s what’s written in the script, right here. See?”

Then, more clearly. “Wait. I can see some more… Behind them are 200 million soldiers riding bears. In the sky I see Slim Pickens straddling a mega megaton bomb like a cowboy in Blazing Saddles. And following them is a man in the clouds. It’s... Wait a minute... Yes! It’s Jesus Christ, himself, holding an expired Mayan calendar and surrounded by every apocalyptic preacher ever!

It looks like-. Yes. It is. It’s the End of the World as We Know It... Again…

“Can I have my check now?”