Saturday, June 10, 2017

The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library and Theme Park

While cleaning out my old wardrobe in the spare room, the one that is modeled after a blue British police box from the 60’s, at a mirror at the back where I park my DeLorean, I came upon a nineteenth century theme park car with brass nobs and mechanical tumblers labeled with things like “WWII Air Raid” and “Twenty billion AD.” One knob was labeled, ‘You don’t want to go there.’

A step through brought me to an odd place. I found myself in a courtyard. Everything was made of sleek, curved lines like a 1950’s idea of what the future should look like if the 1950’s had a clue. There was a statue, Olympic in scale, orange in hue. The head was in the clouds. Or maybe that was his hair. Cradled in his left arm was a ledger book from the Cayman Islands. In his right he held a sword, a shield, a trident, a quadradent, look it up, losers, a sextant, a big bag of money, and Ivanka. A plaque read, ‘Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States. First Emperor of Trumplandia, Inc. Look upon me and despair!’

I was in a holy place. A sacred place. A financially viable place despite its many bankruptcies. Inside, after paying my entrance fee of ten Trumpbucks, no refunds, copyright pending, I first saw the Hall of Tweets. Also known as the Presidential Research Liberry. Swift Timex Sinclair thinking machines of the future let me instantly scan the bigly store of knowledge. Beautiful knowledge. Wonderful knowledge. You don’t get knowledge like this anymore. Or at all. From his earlier, primitive phase, to his kaon mode, to his crude attempts at palindromes, to full John McCain. Everything you ever wanted to know but were too intelligent to understand. Tweets are timestamped and cross indexed to monologues of Stephen Colbert for context.

Next I came to the game show exhibit entitled, ‘Who wants to be a Covfefe?’ It was next to the ‘Russian Brainwash Booth’ and across from the, ‘It’s my World, after all,’ ride. What’s this, what’s this? It’s the ‘Nightmare before Ramadan’ ride! Thrill to the antics of Jihadi Jack and his lovable village of misfit murderers. I won’t say how it ends, but it does involve a visit to the Fission King! And talk about Asian fusion! Anyone know where Asia is/was?

Next is the ‘Hall of Science Denial,’ followed by the ‘Dunking for Diplomats’ attraction and the ‘Grab the P*ssy and Run’ interactive fun floor. Be sure to take time out for a quick round of mini golf at the Mar a Lago Bed, Breakfast, and State Secrets resort conveniently located over the old kitten and orphans shelter. Where are those entitled snowflakes now?

Oh, I almost forgot! Be sure to try your hand at the ‘Impeach this!’ arcade game. Try your luck with three chances to make a case against the Dapper Don. Many have tried. Most were fired before a special prosecutor could be appointed. Some did themselves in through illegal leaks and foreign entanglements. Stop indicting yourself!

So be sure to make yourself great again at the President Donald J. Trump Library, Theme Park, and LLC!

Quick. Back to the TARDIS!

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