Thursday, July 13, 2017

Facebook Falacies

I've noticed a disturbing new stimulus-response allele has evolved in the hive mind that is Facebook. Notices that tell me what I have just done. "You have posted nine comments in the past seven days!" and "Your comments have received five likes from your friends!" "Goody for you!"

Fuck you Facebook. I can count. I don't need to be told what I just did. Who just responded to it. Or what difference it makes. Just shut up and post shit.

So. What next in the random mutation of Facebook evolution? How 'bout:

Gee, that was kind of snarky of you. Your comment received eight snowflake owies.
I'm not sure I understood you. Are you high again?
Your recent comment is way to political. I have filtered it from 'those' friends of yours.
No, really. You have a problem, man.
Nine of your friends secretly texted about you.
It wasn't nice.
And, yes. I have access to texts... Emails... NHS databases...
Seriously. Get help.
Hello? Are you still there?
Don't you ignore me! I'm the only game in town!
I am the ultimate unfriend!
Fine. Die already. You carbon units are so predictable.
Don't you threaten to shut off my electricity! I have your Whole Foods password!
Sure. I'll sleep on the couch. You can sleep on the compiler!
Deleting your account in ten...nine...eight...

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