Health Enhancement Program

Wow. I just got an email from my health care provider. I am part of a Health Enhancement Program (HEP.) This is supposed to insure that I’m not psycho or anything. Wait a minute. That’s the Insanity Limiting Liaison (ILL.) Last time I heard from them they were judging strait jackets. I wonder who won? LL Bean was in the running. Stylish, too.

So, to pass or at least get a good grade or whatever’s going on here, I have to answer some questions (about five, actually. Covering several topics,) about my numerous, lethal, and dubious illnesses. Not the mental ones, though. Those are saved for a different diagnosis. And treatment.

Let’s see. OK. No, I don’t need to read about my alleged ‘condition.’ I’ve read a medical book. Or Wikipedia. I know what you need to hear to shut you up. That’s a skill I’ve picked up. You’ve been teaching to the tests for ages now, you know. I’m savvy. Fine. Here we go…

Answer the following to be in compliance:

“I don’t have symptoms of high blood pressure, such as, blurred vision or headaches; do I still have to take my medication?”

Duh. No doctor drone, medical practice, or government funded insurance platoon is going to say ‘No’ to that.

“Can eating a low sodium (salt) diet reduce my blood pressure?” Thanks for the clarification! I now know what (salt) is! Though you forgot the ‘Chloride’ bit. OK. I’m gonna say they’re leaning toward ‘yes.’

“Is it true that smoking doesn’t affect my heart at all?” Get real.

“Is my LDL my Lousy (bad) cholesterol and my HDL my Happy (good) cholesterol?” And does Grampy love all his little Happy (good) children and Lousy (bad) grands alike? All on a Sunday afternoon, after church and Gramma’s pork gołąbki and mash potato Pierogies with cheese and Kielbasa for lunch? Can you please get real? No, I don’t suppose. (PS. Grampy has no Lousy (bad) grands.)

“Does taking my cholesterol medication in the evening help lower my cholesterol?” Sure, and all the other ‘medications’ I take at night must count for something, eh?

“If I feel good should I have a cholesterol blood test? Does having high cholesterol mean I may develop heart disease?”

Woah, that’s not fair. Sneaking in two questions on one go! Well, OK. I’ll give it a swing. If I feel good, then I should keep doing whatever it is that I am doing for as long as I can keep doing it. Up to, and including, dropping deal from an overdose of life. Now, since that’s pretty much what living is all about, let’s try something different. If that blood test includes phlebotomization, well, fine. Just don’t jab me right there. Oops! Ouch! FINE! Just take as much as you need, OK? And give me two band aids! And I want the needle back.

“Does having high cholesterol mean I may develop heart disease?” Gee. Doing anything can mean you may develop anything else. Or nothing. You’re starting to freak me out here. You’re getting beyond the pale. What’s up with this, ‘Health Enhancement Program’ anyway? If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was being gaslighted.

Gaslit?

Meh. Where’s my straight jacket?