I’ve been using a
makeshift mask from a bandanna folded up and held onto my head with
some twist ties that came with a power tool I bought recently. It’s
infinitely adjustable and makes me look like a hillbilly bank robber.
I decided to get some official masks, in case I want to go someplace
that was respectably infected.
Since I had been
voted, ‘Most likely to be required to wear a mask,’ in high
school, I decided maybe I should get a better quality one. I ran out
of paper painters’ masks, which only really caused me to fog up my
glasses and take the mask off anyway, so I went to the Great Oracle
Google at Delphi.
Entering ‘Masks’
brought up some great ones of Thanos, The Skull, and Hulk. How come
the girl superheros don’t have funny faces? Thanos would be an
improvement and possibly fulfill my high school prophecy, but I
didn’t see any with an N95 rating. So I tried things like,
‘Surgical Masks,’ ‘Covid Masks,’ and ‘Medical Masks.’
This time I found something more interesting. There were plenty to
choose from.
I was looking for
something reusable and washable. I was being optimistic that I would
live that long, I guess. So I entered, ‘Reusable Surgical Masks.’
Again, I got a lot of returns, some even what I had actually asked
for. One said, ‘Best Cloth Face Masks Still Available Online
for...’
For…? For what?
For free? For rent? For love or money? For the Discriminating
Infectee? Sounds too dicey. Let’s try, ‘Washable Masks,’ for
One Thousand, Alex.
After scrolling
through a bunch of ads for Amazon masquerading as search results, I
found, ‘Best Washable Reusable Face Masks Reviews 2020 – Red
Hot...’ OK. I’ll worry about 'Red Hot what?' later.
Scrolling down
through the entries, which were hardly reviews, I found some
interesting ones. But since the web site didn’t specify what their
criteria was for ‘Best,’ I went somewhere else. ‘Somewhere
else’ being another search query at the Google well.
This time I found
the site, ‘Top 10 best reusable face masks medical review.’ Oh, a
top ten list, as in David Letterman! That’s gotta be scientific. I
scrolled through and found a number of masks, many modeled by pretty
Asian women. Is that racist? Accurate? Irrelevant? Each of them had a
concise description and click box that said, ‘Check Price &
Detail... amazon,’ and the Amazon logo.
I clicked on the
link and was brought to a page that said, ‘SORRY we couldn’t find
that page. Try searching or go to Amazon’s home page.’ Below it
was a picture of a bored black dog, presumably the anthropomorphic
representation of Amazon’s search engine. When it is bored, at
least.
And anyway, none of
these masks looked any better than my Billy the Kid mask, though they
were more stylish. On Billy, at lease. I couldn't be sure any of
these would look any good on me.
Also, when I did
find some, always on Amazon, that looked reasonable, the reviews were
all over the infection rate chart. None had a high overall rating.
One of the comments said their order had come with white finger
prints over all of the masks. One said his mask was dirty, including
smeared with lipstick, so it was obviously used. Some had been
stuffed in a zip lock bag. Obviously, these were outliers. I hope so,
at least. But this is a medical item, after all. That kind of stuff
is OK if you are buying it for someone else.
I eventually did a
search for ‘Medical supplies,’ and found some non-gimmicky
places. The top one was for ‘Binson’s Home Health Care Centers.’
OK. I’ll give this son of a bin a shot. I was concerned that it
might not be wholesale, but it was worth a click.
They were legit and
even had a medical mask right on top of the page. It looked good,
made in America. It would block dust, particles, smoke, etc. Not an
N95, of course, but I’m not looking for an Aqualung. None of them
can legally say, ‘blocks viruses.’ Not for nine dollars for three
masks which might arrive in a sandwich bag smeared with bio-matter at
least as questionable as the virus. This one was the only one that
was treated with an antimicrobial and guaranteed to last one year,
while still being reusable and washable. It didn’t come with the
Rolling Stones logo on it, though. So, naturally, I took my Googling
elsewhere.
I didn’t find
anything else I liked, so I came back to the Binky site. Overall the
mask looked good, after all. It was one of the cup shaped ones, with
a prominent pleat to accommodate my generous nose. It was adjustable,
one size fits most, androgynous, and biologically correct. And wash
and wearable, of course. It was more expensive than the Dr. Nick
brand masks, but I expected as much.
If anyone is looking
for a good mask that is from a medical supply store, check out
www.binsons.com. I’m not recommending it, of course. It's just a suggestion.
It’s gotta be
better than a head scarf.