Last First Words

What are you doing?

I’m rehearsing.

You’re rehearsing?

Yes.

Rehearsing what?

My line.

Line?

Yes.

You’re about to go into surgery.

Yes.

They are going to knock you out.

Yes.

With anesthesia and stuff.

Yes.

And you’re… rehearsing?

Yup.

What, now? Exactly?

I’m rehearsing what I am going to say when I wake up!

O.K.

When I open my eyes after the operation.

In Intensive Care. Right.

I’ve got to have a good line, right?
A good line for what?

Well. A good line!

And what might that be?

A blockbuster.

Can you just make believe you are a normal human being for once?

What’s the fun in that?

OK. What are you going on about?

You know. When I was in that motorcycle accident?

Yes. We all remember that. You gave us quiet a sca-

And what I said?

What did you said, um, say?

Well, I’ve been better!

Yes. We remember that.

I wrote a whole essay about it.

Right. We all read it and were noticeably moved by its literary power.

So now. I’ve got to have an equally catchy near death-phrase for this one, too.

This what?

This hospital stay!

You’re going in for routine heart surgery.

Routine OPEN HEART surgery.

You’re going to Yale New Haven Hospital. Not a meth clinic-

Life threatening!

If you say so.

Well, I almost died several times in that motor cycle accident, you know.

Several times?

Yes.

How’d you manage that?

Brilliantly.

Why do I even bother?

You wouldn’t have it any other way.

Tragically, no.

What are you doing now?

Murdering you in my head.

Other than that.

Um. I don’t know.

Exactly. Turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. Food into shit. Thoughts into sand on a beach somewhere. Wool gathering.

Living.

Like I said.

And what should I be doing?

Stop shoulding yourself.

And do what?

Now you’re talking.

You’re crazy.

Everyone knows that.

And this all has anything to do with anything… because…?

So. When I wake up in the hospital. With Kristin or nurses or who knows who else around me…

Your adoring public.

That’s the one!

Right. I’ll schedule a bus.

Satan. God. Angels. Demons. Krishna the Righteous.

I know where my money is.

And my first words will have to be monumental…

Spare me.

When I wake up…?

If only you wouldn’t.

In the ICU…?

Right. Can’t wait.

Oh, no. Not again! Eh? Eh? Good, what?

Right. What. Now will you just nullify your living will for me?

Super! That’s comedy.

Or tragedy.

Now I’ve got to start working on my epitaph…

Shoot me. I don’t know how I put up with you.

You’re in my head, fella!

I must have been a pretty big sinner in my previous lives…