Party Unity

You, Too, Can Be a Russian Asset!

Pack your bags! Put on your fur hat! Head off on a road show with Boris and Natasha and practice your Red Square soiree! It’s time to play; You, Too, Can Be a Russian Asset!

We are the Unity Party of America! UPA! Whenever you meet anyone of a political persuasion, but not persuaded enough for your liking, just say, “UPA YOURS!” and they will be woken! And if they say something, anything, against the party platform, the Dominating Notion of Caring platform, they will be lovingly corrected by our caring Social Saviors laboring within our Stop Anyone Spreading Indecency (STASI) brigade. It sounds better if we call it a brigade.

Next thing you know, you’re swinging to the Democratic Ending of Anarchic Domination dance! Pick a plank, any plank, it doesn’t matter which one. Choose any one on the platform, they all swing the same way and crumble alike in this instance. Just tear it up and toss it about. See what happens. You will be hunted down and devastated by one of our Special Juvenile Wonders and then destroyed, slandered, and obliterated from the face of the earth if you dare question! It’ll be like you never existed, except with insults and character assassination and evil emojis on the Internet!

Don’t like Hillary? YOU’RE A RUSSIAN STOOGE!

Question foreign policy? COMMIE!

Uncomfortable with variable pronouns? HOW DARE YOU?!

Dare to question the morals of the Obama Administration? BIGOT!

You think that Trump has even a single good idea? TRAITOR! AND BY THE WAY, YOU ARE ANTI-LGBTQXYZABC AND ALL HUMAN RIGHTS EXCEPT FOR YOURS!!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

You question the legality of Israeli treatment of Palestinians? ANTI-SEMITE!

The gender non-specific thing next to you looked at you funny? TO THE REEDUCATION CAMPS!

You say that Tulsi has a lot to say? FIRE UP THE GAS CHAMBER!

You want political dialog? YOU NEED PSYCHIATRIC HELP-SLASH-SURGURY!

You just don’t know and are willing to question? BRAINWASHED!

You listen objectively? INSURRECTIONIST!

You seek alternate opinions and heed the thoughts of experts? CONSPIRACY THEORIST!

You acknowledge honest disagreements with respect? PERVERT!

You respect others? ABOMINATION!

And…? INTERNET TROLL!

But…! IF YOU ARE NOT WITH US YOU LOVE HITLER!

See? It’s easy to Make America Democratic. Just believe everything we tell you! It’s not propaganda when we do it. After all, the Democratic Party has the word Democracy in there…, somewhere…, in there... Just trust us… I’m sure I saw it in there somewhere… And surrender your brain.

Just believe in us like we believe in your ability to believe in us without question, qualm, consideration, or comment… or else… catastrophe. And you’re under constant surveillance, anyway, by the way-stop scratching your nose-so why resist?

Who says we won the Cold War against the Soviets? The Gulag was just a place, after all… Just an idea in a few twisted brains before it existed in reality. Now we have one that exists in the mind… And maybe all minds… Soon…

Good night, Party bless, and Telescreen out.

Just kidding!