Donald Trump - Superstar

Donald Trump – Superstar

Jonathan H. Loux

(It’s a pseudonym. At least I HOPE there’s no one out there with a goofy name like that.)

Copyright: 2018

Cast of Characters

DT (Donald Trump) – Doughy, late stage liver blister and Messiah in his own mind.

I-Slut (Ivanka-Slut) – Poster girl for Stockholm Syndrome and lost little girl.

Judas-Jared – Close friend and family member. Stock character of the Malinowski’s ‘Traitor’ series.

Caia-Mueller – Regent of the Land of Deplorable, where DT has his base of support.

Maid by the fire – She doesn’t even get a name. And barely any lines. But we still have to pay her.

PETER – He has the best line in the play.

King Putrid – Gratuitous whack at Putin and yet another to bash Herod, who was the Hitler of the Bible, you know.

Pontius-Mueller – Problematic Casting Decision. If Caia-Mueller is supposed to be Caiaphas, representative of an occupied DeplorableLand, then Pontius-Mueller would be the representative of Rome, who I have already associated with Putin. What do you expect for a parody?

Sock Puppets – I didn’t realize that both Muellers would be on stage at the same time. So they have to play each role as a sock puppet. Poor planning on my part, really, but I’m not about to hire another actor.

RSH – Random Stage Hand – The Dies ex Machina. Well, Dies ex Wikipedia. It seamlessly explains why the Muellers have suddenly become sock puppets.

Mob, Disciples, Lepers, Toadies, Clueless Masses – Extras. Can safely be ignored.

Suddenly Appearing Narrator – That’s pretty much self-explanatory. To be real cheap you could let me do it.

Setting

The Swamp. Swampetty, swampetty, swamp, swamp. Everyone is pretty much part of the Swamp.

Time

This could happen at any time, sadly.

Act 1

SONG OF DISALLUSIONED MASSES, WHO ARE ABOUT TO GET MORE DISILLUSIONED-ER.

Ho, sanna, Hey, sanna.

Sanna, sanna ho, San-na hey. Sanna ho. SA-na.

Come DT, DT, you’re alright by me.

Sanna, sanna. Whatever.

WELL-THINKING BUT CLUELESS-SCRATCH THAT. DEPLORABLE CHORUS.

What’s the Scuzz? Tell me what’s-a-happening? (Repeat ad nauseam.)

When do we, ride to DC-Washington? (Ditto.)

DT

Hey. I have a plan. A great plan. Trust me. You won’t have ever even considered a plan as greatly as mine. I see in a plan greatly.

IVANKA’s CLUELESS COME-ON

I-SLUT

Let me try to cool your ego down a bit, let me try… (There are a lot of repetitions in the play.)

JUDAS (Come on. Every good story, epic, religious text, puberty drama, or saga throughout history, MUST have a Judas.)

It seems to me a strange thing, MYST-i-fying. That a man like you, would waste his time, with women-No. Wait. What other kind of women would want you? Point taken.

DT

Who are you, who? To criticize her? Who are you, who? Ya, Jared. You can’t hide behind that Mardi gras mask. You’re just here to keep her stretched out for me.

I-SLUT

Try not to get worried!

Try not to look at me,

Things like that are cree-py,

Like my lobo-tO-me.

Everything’s alright now,

Please make it alright now!

They sing to me all night now,

Did you lock up your bedroom?

Chastity belts might now,

Come back in style soon.

TOADIES

Good Caia-Mueller. The counsel waits for you,

The legal aides and courts are here for you.

CAIA-MUELLER

Ah, gentlemen. You know why we are ripped?

We’ve not much time. And Fox News needs a script.

TOADIES

What then to say about Donald of Mar’Lago,

Miracle wonderer, hero of deplorables.

No riots, no army, no fighting, no slogans,

CAIA-MUELLER

One thing I’ll say for him, Donald is-No. I wouldn’t say that about him. Ugh. I almost threw up in my-Does Frozen need an understudy?

TOADIES

Where do we start with a man who was bigger than Bernie was when Bernie did his Socialism thing?

CAIA-MUELLER

Fools, you have no perception.

The stakes we are gambling are frighteningly high.

We must crush him completely.

So like Bernie before him, this Donald must… be crushed using some illegal trick that we can completely blame on the Romans when it comes out from one of those bleeding heart investigative reporters like Glen Greenwald. Am I right? They’re always yammering about something or other, mostly right, but just plain inconvenient. Hmm. Where am I? Oh, right.

So like Bernie before him, this Donald must die. For the sake of the nation, this Donald must die.

DONALD’s MOST DEVOTED DEVOTES

See my eyes I can hardly see.

DT

Losers.

DMDD

See me stand, I can hardly walk.

DT

Ya. What’s that to me?

DMDD

I believe you can make me whole.

DT

Pfffh. Like I’d want to.

DMDD

See my tongue I can hardly talk.

DT

That’s disgusting.

And who says I want to listen to you?

Blah, blah.

Ayn Rand poor people.

Singing. About themselves.

Hey, don’t you think I have my own self to think about?

Judas-Jared comes to Lord Caia-Muller and tells him what everybody else knows already. That Trump will be in Mar-a-Lago (duh) that evening, having flown his personal jet powered by baby seals and west coast snowy owls, plus some poor people or something. I hate that west coast. Anybody on the streets of DC-Washington could have told him that. The lepers in the rotunda could have told him that. The trolls in the Supreme Court, any old Swamp Thing could have told him that. And he could have saved the thirty pieces of sliver. Though this sounds cooler.

Who am I? Aren’t I in the Playbill? Stephen, do you have a Playbill… Hm. OK. Uh, huh. Oh. I think I’ll just be leaving…

JUDAS-JARED

I don’t want your blood money!

CAIA-MUELLER

What? You prefer laundered money?

JUDAS-JARED

I don’t need your blood money!

CAIA-MUELLER

Blood diamonds?

JUDAS-JARED

I!-Huh?

CAIA-MUELLER

This isn’t blood money.

The Clinton’s have been taking ‘consulting fees’ for decades.

It’s a consulting fee nothing, fee nothing, fee nothing more.

JUDAS-JARED

Oh!

CAIA-MUELLER

What do you think Trump’s Taj Mahal was made out of? Hard work?

JUDAS-JARED

Okay, already.

On Thursday night…

You’ll find him where you want him…

Far from the crowds…

At the gated…,

Guarded…,

Golfing…,

Community…,

Of…,

…,

Mar-a-Lago…

SUDDEN CHORUS

Well done Judas,

Good old Jackass.

DT

Phew. Is this over yet? Just Act 1? Fuck!

Act 2 - Still Polishing up my Resume

GETHSEMANE

DT

I only want to say,

If there is a way.

Take this cup, away from me,

For I don’t want to-LO-sers!

Gotcha!

Of course I don’t want to die, and why not?

I’m at the top of my game.

This is when something BIG usually happens.

Just about to tip off into oblivion.

I didn’t say that. Not about me.

There are advancements. Medical advancements.

Soon I will be living to 100. Then 200. Then 1000.

Then 150!

There’s this technology out there.

Immortality via Ingestion!

It’s everywhere.

Harlan Ellison talked about it in the 50’s

Star Trek.

Babylon 5.

You can become immortal by drinking the life essence of people who are obviously not using their’s!

They don’t refer to humans as ‘herds’ for nothing.

Some people say there is something ‘wrong’ with the technology.

In all the cases I’ve looked at, it seems to work perfectly.

I never checked out how it ended.

I’m sure they’ll figure it out.

And this cloud, thing. Wonderful technology.

Made in America, I might add.

Well, using Artificial Ignorance, AI, and a Stephen Spielberg movie,

They’ve been able to make: Kimchi Consciousness! Um...

Pickled…

Parietal…

Pituitary…

That’s a part of the brain, right…?

And a very important part of the brail!

Brain.

…

And made in America, too.

The end,

Is just a little harder when brought about by friends.

Hah. What am I talking about? I don’t have an end. My ‘friends’ have ends.

So long, Sally.

Regress, Rex.

Jettison James.

And John.

HIV/AIDS Advisory? Why would I want to be advised about that?

Reince?

Sean?

The EPA?

Bernie?

Crooked Hillary?

GONE!

And I’m just getting started!

That’s a lot of dramatics.

JUDAS-JARED

Cut out the dramatics!

DT

Huh? Judas-Jared?

JUDAS-JARED

One of your twelve chosen.

DT

Well, I haven’t counted. One, two, three. How many is twelve?

JUDAS-JARED

You know very well who,

DT

No, really. Who?

JUDAS-JARED

To think I admired you.

DT

O, Jared. I, blush,

JUDAS-JARED

Well, now. I despise you.

DT

Jared!

JUDAS-JARED

You sad, pathetic man.

See where you’ve brought us to.

Our ideals die around us,

All because of you.

And now the saddest cut of all,

Someone has to turn you in.

A jaded Mandarin.

DT

A Mandarin? Some of the sissies on the left might think that’s sexist or something. They like to tell us what we can say and not say.

JUDAS-JARED

Like a common criminal,

Like a wounded animal.

DT

No, seriously. How do we talk to each other if we don’t have words for bad things?

JUDAS-JARED

A Jaded-Huh?

DT

I mean. How can you and I have a conversation about some bad thing (SBT) if we don’t have any words for SBT?

JUDAS-JARED

Southern Baptist Theology?

DT

Some Bad Thing! Really. You need to pay attention.

JUDAS-JARED

Riii-ghhhht….

DT

And let’s just say that the words we chose for that Some Bad Thing, which have been perfectly serviceable for thousands and millions of years, suddenly lose meaning? Like, all of the sudden, the lexicon of human thought just decided to rewrite the dictionary? No! People were suddenly allowed to have their own dictionaries!

JUDAS-JARED

You’re scaring me, Dad. That sounds reasonable.

Are you really Donald Tramp?

DT

So. If people use the wrong words, they are ostracized.

They’ve got it all.

Talking points.

A forbidden list.

Loyalty tests.

Oaths of Allegiance.

And if you question one of the talking points or bring up one of the forbidden list items?

Banishment!

JUDAS-JARED

You know, this is just an act, right?

This is just a role, right?

I’m not really… anybody…

SAG card?

Equity card?

I’m lucky if I have a ration card.

DT

STAGE MANAGER!

JUDAS-JARED

Every time I look at you I don’t understand.

Why you let the things we did get so out of hand.

You’ve had managed better if you’d stuck to a plan.

DT

Plans evolve.

JUDAS-JARED

Yes. They evolve into the FUTURE!

PETER’S DENIAL

MAID BY THE FIRE

I think I’ve seen you somewhere – I remember,

You were with that man. They took away. I recognize your face.

PETER

Fuck off, Cunt.

KING PUTRID’S SONG

Donald, I am overjoyed to meet you face to face,

You’re been getting quite a name all around the place.

Healing portfolios. Raising from the Fed.

And now I understand you’re God,

From what you’ve said… and said…

So you are the Trump, you’re the Great Donald Trump,

Prove to me that you’re divine,

Bang Ivanka anytime!

If you can prove that you’re caged, I’ll suspect it’s all staged,

C’mon, King of the Deplorables!

TRIAL BEFORE PONTIUS-MUELLER

DT

Hey, loser. Weren’t you just CAIA-MUELLER?

PONTIUS-MUELLER

Double casting.

DT

Good for the bottom line. How’d you manage the scenes where they both appeared at the same time?

PONTIUS-MUELLER

Understudy.

DT

Clever. Get an actor at an understudy’s pay.

PONTIUS-MUELLER

Fucking producers! OK. Now I just have to put on these sock puppets…

CAIA-MUELLER SOCK PUPPET

We turn to DC to sentence Mar-a-Lago

We have no law to send a man to Fargo (you try rhyming something with ‘Lago.’)

PONTIUS-MUELLER SOCK PUPPET

Talk to me, Donald Trump!

DT

Huh?

PONTIUS-MUELLER SOCK PUPPET

You have been brought here – manacled, beaten,

DT

I came in a limo.

PONTIUS-MUELLER SOCK PUPPET

By your own people, do you have to first idea why you deserve it?

MOB

Impeach him, impeach him!

DT

Woah! Where’d they come from? And I’m confused. Which one is the Pilate puppet?

RSH

Oh, it’s easy. The Pilate puppet is on the right, royal, hand. The Caiaphas puppet is on the left, sinister, hand.

DT

Thank you, random stage hand!

RSH

Don’t thank me. I could get beaten for that.

DT

And so you should!

MOB

Impeach him… Impeach him… Impeachhim, impeachhim, impeachhim!

ONE OF THE PUPPETS

You know that impeaching someone doesn’t do anything, right? It’s like when a grand jury indicts someone. There’s a saying: A grand jury can indict a ham sandwich. It is just that they consider the evidence to be worth considered in a court of law, with the accused guaranteed due process, innocent until proven guilty. You know? Rule of Law? Impeachment is the same way. It just means that a congressional committee believes that there is enough evidence to warrant a trial, in which, if a court upholds that belief, he will be sentenced, and THEN he can be considered guilty. Most people assume impeachments or indictments are judgements of guilt and most politicians will capitalize on that. If the ‘mob’ thinks impeachment is a judgement, who am I to disagree.

What am I, Civics 101?

DT

It’s uncanny how you can talk without your mouth moving.

PUPPET

Uhhhmmmmm…

THE OTHER PUPPET

Hey, where are you going?

DT

Outa here. I’ve done my 57 minutes of stage time. Culminating in a bicameral salary package of cash plus certificates for other people’s souls. Well, not very good souls. But maybe a few of them might be worth a pimple on my ass. Jeesh, it’s almost 11:00? I’d better get outa here before the homeless move into the dressing rooms.

SUDDENLY APPEARING NARRATOR

It turns out that I was the Narrator. Last minute casting decision or author fuck up or something. Anyway…

Isn’t it grand living in a fin de siècle?